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The first man to ever carry an umbrella in England had the crap mocked out of him: tealcartoons.com/2013/05/20/jo…
Real men with not enough money for the carriage ride just keep their hat on.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-04-28
The sopping worst by PlayinTheDead ( Suggested by Halatia and Featured by neurotype )
:iconbraxton-t-rutledge:
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014
The first line sucked me in, but the rest of the prose didn't live up to it. The imagery was fairly good, the dialogue wasn't pushing the story quite hard enough, but really, the first line was so good the rest felt like a let down, even though there's nothing that stands out as broken spots. I think this would work better for me if you ran through and did line editing, making the prose as taut as possible. I feel like you did a good job with the plot, I think rain and a funeral are a little cliche, but it didn't feel cliche here.

best dialogue was about the umbrella. I almost wish you'd kept it going a little more as they trudged. This is one of the better prose dd's I have seen this year.
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014
Would you mind being a bit more specific on where the dialogue is weak and things not taut enough?
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Great, and I mean great, opening line. The whole piece is well done in general, but you definitely had me hooked from the first line. :love:
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014
I often get into trouble with hooks, so that's particularly sweet to know. c: And thanks!
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:iconnichrysalis:
Nichrysalis Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Welcome!
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014   Writer
Congratulations on the DD! This is one to read more than once. Thank you.
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014
You're welcome, and I'm honoured you find worth rereading. :nod:
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2014   Writer
:heart:
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014   Writer
Your piece has been chosen as one of the Outstanding Pieces for the month of February here at Word-Smiths! Congratulations. :)
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014
Too kind. :thumbsup:
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:iconpomohippie7:
pomohippie7 Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2014   Writer
You're very welcome! :) Great work! 
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:iconinklingsofoblivion:
InklingsOfOblivion Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This was very well written, and grabbed my attention from the off. :clap: well deserving of a DLD!! 
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014
Thank you, glad you liked it!
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2014

Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here dailylitdeviations.deviantart.…

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.



Keep writing and keep creating.

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:iconbrietta-a-m-f:
brietta-a-m-f Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist

Yet another wonderful period piece. It took me far too long to get to this one. Although it was certainly worth the wait.

This whole piece was tightly written, and the sentence structure supported the tone. I rather like that the weather itself seemed to be a character in its own right. There was nothing extraneous or unnecessary to slow down the narrative.

It looks as if doughboycafe already fixed up anything wrong with it, and I really don't have any suggestions for improvement.


"You can’t let a woman in even at another woman’s funeral, thought Jack." I'll be honest, this was my favorite line. It says quite a bit about Jack and the strumpet he was looking at. It also adds a bit of levity to a very somber story.

All in all, magnifico! One of these days, I'm going to have to scour through your gallery and read some of your other stuff!

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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2014
I was aiming exactly for no-nonsense writing (and thank Jack's tough-as-nails mindset for that) and the bad weather having a sort of mean/mournful personality of its own, so hurrah! Also glad you noticed that line in particular: it sums up almost everything you need to know about this guy, I swear.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2014  Professional Writer
Alright, let's get started.

Not much in the way of grammar shiz, but lots of it was conveniently located in one paragraph. And as this paragraph is some seriously eerie foreshadowing, I think it needs to be brushed up because it is going to carry a lot of story weight.

“Shall we go, now?” Jack put his hat on, just not to look at whatever dismay might show on his face.
On whose face? I assume Cowden's since Jack can't look at his own face, but the sentence is a little strange. maybe "Jack put his hat on so he didn't have to look at Cowden's dismayed face" or something. Or if he's trying to be respectful of Cowden "put his hat on so as not to look at..."

The door creaked closed again. Cowden preceded him outside, marched up holding his hat against the wind, turned to the left; Marched up to what? Up the drive? Maybe you can rearrange this or pepper it with gerunds... I suggest "Cowden preceded him, marching out, holding his hat up against the wind, and turned left;"

 the long-dried grime on his gaiters acquired fresh smudges of mud as his feet sank in it to the ankles. This might be a joke, but really the first place I went with it was 'they will be way more than smudges if he's up to the ankles in mud"

 Jack locked the front door and dashed behind him.
I would say 'dashed out' f u phrasal verbs :stare:

Cowden didn’t pause to wait. Didn’t even look behind. I know what this means but pause to wait seems a little redundant, and the sentence frag seems clunky to me. Maybe, "Cowden didn't wait, didn't even look behind."

Down a few paragraphs... pewter pots lined up to gleam in the half-light. This makes it sound like the pots were lined up for the specific purpose of gleaming in the half light, which sounds weird. If they were lined up to catch light to show them off, I would say catch, if they just happened to be gleaming, I'd gerund this shit. "pewter pots lined up and gleaming in the half light."


All that said, it's a damn powerful piece, and I very much liked it. You get a lot about the characters in a small amount of time and it's powerfully sad. I had a creeping feeling halfway in and it just stuck a knife in me when i realized it was Eliza's funeral. The back end of it is tight and very well done. Part of my feeling on it is knowing the characters so well, so I know how hard and tough Jack is, but then you put him next to Cowden and you get, well, my favorite line:

Cowden just stared to the front, as still and old as the stone and the rain.

I fucking wish I could eat this line I like it so much.

Fantastic use of setting as well, and way to trick us in the beginning into thinking this wasn't going to be the most depressing thing ever. It worked.
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
Fixed all that grammar shit, aaaaaall of it and that's why I lurve you.la-polion-musketeer

Jack has exactly zero fucks to give about feelings, but for his standards he's trying very hard to be nice and caring here. Cowden, let's say I couldn't have written this sketch from his point of view: he wouldn't speak, not a single word.

Now that I think about your favourite line, though, the rain physically cannot be still; I shall edit that adjective out, if you don't mind.
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:icondoughboycafe:
doughboycafe Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014  Professional Writer
Can I suggest you change rain instead? Because still and old kind of described Cowden perfectly in that moment.

And yeah well while Jack has zero fucks to give, he might have half a fuck for Cowden losing his beloved, if for nothing else that Cowden isn't whining like a bitch about it, so it must mean he's got some serious feels.
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
You know, I spend a lot of my critiquing time instructing people to shoot adjectives on sight, but I'm actually happier when people tell me to let them live. A lot happier, at that.

Jack doesn't hang out with people who whine like bitches. That's why he never liked Lieutenant Swank and was happy that the little fop eventually got off his lawn ("lawn" meaning the army). Enter generic statement of 100% pure manliness.
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:iconcapturedjoe:
CapturedJoe Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2013
Well damn... I was hoping for a happyend for thise two :(
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
Oh but Jack does get a happy end: a dry place and beer. That's happy.
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:iconcapturedjoe:
CapturedJoe Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
I meant Billy and his woman :(
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
I'm fairly positive that, before her health deteriorated too much, there were conjugal love and good sex along the way. If anything.
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:iconcapturedjoe:
CapturedJoe Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2013
B-b-but! The END!
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December 12, 2013
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